4. Craptastic Mr. Cocks
Listen, I am a big Wes Anderson fan; I used to want to marry Max Fischer and I tried to base my life off that of Margot Tenenbaum's. Hell, I'll even throw a bone at The Darjeeling Limited. But are you looking at this? Okay, let's strip this down to the legs, shall we?
- take away the Oscar-winning voice actors (that means sayonara George Clooney and Meryl Streep)
- take away Henry Selick, who jumped ship to do the outstanding Coraline (and yes - we're talking Nightmare Before Christmas stop-motion king Henry Selick)
- pretend you have never seen the ultimate in Roald Dahl film adaptations, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, aka The World's Best Movie About a Child-killing Factory
So what do we have left? A crappy, sub-par Dahl story with stop-motion puppets. Sorry Wes Anderson, we already have that: it's called James and the Giant Peach.
3. Poomelia
Ugh, I have seen this trailer about 9 times and every time I want to shout "BITCH DIES AT THE END". Wait a second - I think I have found Hilary "Seabiscut" Swank's lucky pony-foot: homegirl only takes parts where she dies at the end. Boys Don't Cry? Shot by Peter Sarsgaard. Million Dollar Baby? Killed by the racist Gamp-gamp from Gran Torino. The Next Karate Kid? Well...actually, I guess she was the one to kill that franchise, but I digress. I just hate when people do movies purely for the Academy Award nomination they are sure to receive. Ugh. Such Hollywood bullshit. Also, no offense - but Amelia Earhart wanted to be the first woman to fly across the Atlantic (or whatever - I am too goddamn lazy to Wiki that) and she EPIC LIFE FAIL'D. So, no offense to the estate of Amelia Earhart, why do we care? Are we awarding people with biopics now based on being a Runner Up?
2. Shit It
Okay, first off - I didn't mind Juno. I hate Diablo Cody ("I was a stripper! Have I told you I was a stripper?? Totes McGoats STRIPPERZ!!!!!") and I hate hate hate her stupid made-up wannabe-Heathers dialogue. And I really hate Ellen Page; she is over-rated and I am ashamed we have the same country stamped on our passports. And I can't let that affect my judgment. So here are the reasons why Whip It will be two hours of annoying'ness:
- Kristen Wiig's camera mugging. UGH. Am I the only one who is sick to death of how over-exposed Kristen Wiig is? Like, I get it - she is funny - but is she as good as Tina Fey? Answer: HELL TO THE NO, BOBBY B
- choosing Ellen Page as the star over Alia Shawkat? I'mmmmmmmmsorry?
- Drew Barrymore as an actress? Sure, she's adorable, and Grey Gardens proved she can act. Drew Barrymore as a director? Um....sorry? Did I miss something? Oh yes, I did - it seems I slept through Hollywood Nepotism 101: Getting Directing Work Because You're Hollywood Royalty. Being Gertie from ET does not a director make.
UPDATE: I sort of want to see Whip It now. I know, I totally wrote this post last week, and since then I have been swayed. I'm sorry - I'm the worst :(
1. Where the Wild Turds Are
I know that my readership just dropped faster than a shit in my pants after a 2-day Taco Bell bender. Everyone and their Gam-gam loves Where The Wild Things Are and I DON'T. GET. IT. Look, you can't say it was because I didn't read it as a kid (sorry, didn't - I had more fun being outside shitting in sand pails) so let's just judge this for what it is, aight? A movie about a mopey emo baby who has a dream about big monsters. And while we're on that topic; can someone call up the offices of Jim Henson and alert them to a possible copyright infringement? Holy crap, do those monsters look a little Great Muppet Caper to you? Yeah, I know. Also, allow me to be brash for a second: Spike Jonze is OR (over-rated). YOU HEARD ME. Yes, he did Being John Malkovitch (amazing) and he directed some fucking music videos in the 90's. But he is NO Michel Gondry (FIGHTING WORDS). Yes, fighting words x2. Ugh, it's like, WTWTA is too deep for kids and their parents. The only segment of society WTWTA appeals to is...wait for it...dumb, pretentious 24-28 year olds. And what do dumb, pretentious 24-28 year olds love doing? Downloading movies. So WTWTA will make, what, $3 million at the box office? Splendid! It will make about as much as Jennifer's Body. Hoo-rah. And for my final argument, if you're going to make a movie about a past Caldecott Medal Winner, it better be THE MOTHER FUCKING SNOWY DAY.
Source: www.skipraid.com
No comments:
Post a Comment