The Mayor: What the hell channel is this in again?
Ty: ummm...08? like the year that either of us last had meaningful sex
The Mayor: BWAHAHAHA - funny and true
Ty: I know....that's my thing
The Mayor: Oh well...there's still 3 months left in 09! (crosses fingers)
Ty: (crosses penis)p.s. these women should be way more attractive
The Mayor: I know...they truly are a comely bunch of little persons
Ty: think of all the years that ANTM has been on...sorry, cycles...and then all the shorties who didn't make it....and we're stuck with this ugmo crew?
The Mayor: Oh my god, I hate when they do these skits. I feel like I'm watching Uxbridge community theatre
Ty: is this Dan Levy's more gay out of work actor brother?
The Mayor: SuperSmieys? Smiling with your eyes = smieyes. Uh, that is Smerrible
Ty: OKAY - she's taking this 'making up word thing too far'. she's making my penis go insmies me
The Mayor: She's making me want to punch-a-smieyes my television
Ty: So I've just questioned how we've wasted hours of our lives watching this....I could have written a thesis
The Mayor: I know - on my death bed I will be holding my grandkid's hands and say "I wish...I hadn't watched...so much....shitty television"
Ashley
The Mayor: Ashley is finally talking and it's the equivalent of a bitchy girl in a club bathroom. "She was being rull irritating”. I can't believe Ashley didn't get sent home. She is crucially crappy
Ty: She's irrelevant
Bianca
The Mayor: Bianca looks like Lil' RuPaul
The Mayor: “Isis looked more feminine than Bianca” - Love you, Jay!
Ty: Damn....that was harsh Jay....you look more manly than the chick with the dick
The Mayor: Bianca looks like a discount tranny sex doll
Brittany
The Mayor: Brittany done good.
Courtney
The Mayor: EW, are you looking at her? This isn't America's Next Wang-Haver
Ty: Courtney has mom hair in her 20s. Can you imagine the Northern Reflections she'll have in her closest when she's 40?
The Mayor: Courtney can sell the shit out of JC Penney mom jeans. Courtney doesn't need any blurring in the chest. She doesn't have boobs, she has pecs
Ty: “I feel disabled in the boot”.....again, my point....could you imagine all the girls watching this who are ACTUALLY FUCKING DISABLED?
The Mayor: "Wah wah wah he made me keep my boot on. I'm a whiny bitch. Also....very mannish". The boot is the least of that dude's problems. Courtney looks like she's pushing out a dump. I bet they did a gender test on Courtney and she failed.
Erin
The Mayor: Erin is looking very crack-head…and she wins it?
Ty: Damn!
The Mayor: Crazy! Well, she's good. I'll giver her that.
Ty: True, and I'd hump her, so I'll give her that (in my dreams)
Jennifer
Ty: How can you have a lazy eye and have people use you FUCKING FACE to sell shit?
The Mayor: Paris Hilton Syndrome aka A Case of the Ocular Lazies. Jennifer can't smile with her eyes because one is straight-up dead
Ty: She should go pirate
The Mayor: Jennifer looks very "me so horny! Me love you long time, GI. Licky licky sucky sucky". Also, I don't want to sound like someone's racist grandpa, but Jennifer's skin is really yellow
Ty: Whoa. You just stepped it up. Are you going to say that her head really does look like a zipper next?
The Mayor: What? I don't know what that means
Ty: It's a racist thing
The Mayor: What does that even mean?
Ty: ummm...? I got it from Gran Torino
Kara
The Mayor: Whoah - Kara looks straight-up Sears. She’s such a snore. When do we kick her off?
Ty: After they find Kara's self-amputated scrot swimming in a toilet bowl of blood
Laura
Ty: Man....the country bumpkin has some lips on her...she could land more than one load on those puppies
The Mayor: Laura smize’ing = thinking about Cracker Barrel's grits and hash brown casserole
Ty: I really don't see how anyone can take her seriously when she sounds like Dolly Parton
The Mayor: TAKE THAT BACK - Dolly is my hero
Ty: you take Dolly Parton seriously?
The Mayor: Yes, I seriously base my life off Dolly. She's the best. If I have a daughter, I will name her Dolly. It's also my grandma's name, so it works on two levels
Ty: Right - so I'll shut up about that now
The Mayor: Laura has definitely made out with a 1st cousin
Ty: and she's been to at least third base in a barn
Lulu
The Mayor: Lulu: that girl isn't handling that weave well…but she does look both cute and sexy in that shot. How does that happen?
Ty: Cause she's gay...that's how it happens
NicoleThe Mayor: Nicole has terrible legs. She's like a bow-legged peg-legged Ginger pirate
Ty: Nicole was good - she can be friends with me
The Mayor: You mean friends with your ween, right?
Ty: That's what I mean every time I say friends
The Mayor: I WANT WANT WANT Nicole's hair. She's a human turd, but I want her hair.
Rachael
Ty: Do you know how much eye juice would come out of Rachel's eye if I were to poke her with my ding dong? I could bottle that and sell to Africa
The Mayor: EW! Nobody needs it in the eye.
Ty: I bet Rachel does
The Mayor: I can’t believe Rachael went home. She actually had a chance. That's so weird that they would boot her before Bianca or that other black girl who's name I can never remember...Ashley?
Ty: Oh no. 'Some sort of personality'.....harsh.. true....she did have potential. She's going to have issues after this...sunglasses....everywhere, all the time....that'll be her thing
Rae
- no comments for Rae this week. Meh
Sundai
The Mayor: Sundai - cute. Too cute. Cute doesn't work for me.
Ty: She's 5'3 - she has to be cute...it's her thing
The Mayor: Sundai is very Chili from TLC
Ty: Is she the dead one?
The Mayor: No, Left Eye is dead. Although the other 2 have dead careers, so....
The Mayor: And here's to Jay looking like Jon Gosselin mated with Pride Day...
Ty: horses! see....I know...I picked the theme out before we even got started. NUDE! I'm going to be okay.....trust me
The Mayor: Good call. Also, isn't that a thing - girls popping their cherries while riding horses?
Ty: I've heard about this
The Mayor: Your dick is going to break from pressure
The Mayor: WHAT? Lauren Conrad? Shit - this is getting ultra-ghetto
Ty: oh, and buy the way here's L.C., who had nothing to do with show at all
The Mayor: By the way here's LC who needs a paycheque
The Mayor: LC is like "remind me to send my agent a muffin basket for keeping me relevant"
The Mayor: Alright, next week. "Put your eyebrows down" - I AM USING THAT
Ty: If I hear someone say smize during this next week, I will club them with my cock. I'm guessing you'll say that that won't hurt at all
The Mayor: You're like "I need to club them with my cock, because I'm starting to get carpal tunnel and I need to give my wrist a rest"
Ty: Or that
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