Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Story of Anderson Cooper Live (or How To Get Tito Jackson To Wave To You)

The Story of Anderson Cooper Live (or How To Get Tito Jackson To Wave To You)
A few days ago, friend and comedian Katina Corrao called me to see if I wanted to go to a taping of Live! with Regis and Kelly with he– YES! I shouted into the phone, which I then dropped down a grate after falling to my knees in ecstasy. It has long been a [...]

A few days ago, friend and comedian Katina Corrao called me to see if I wanted to go to a taping of Live! with Regis and Kelly with he– YES! I shouted into the phone, which I then dropped down a grate after falling to my knees in ecstasy. It has long been a dream of mine to see the dynamic duosome of Reeg and Kel doing their “chat over coffee, check out this paper” shtick live, as the title indicates, vs. through my television.

Then, bad news struck. Regis Philbin has just undergone hip surgery, meaning he wouldn’t be warming up the director’s chair with his brand of shouted end of sentences. I ran to my DVR to see who would replace our gristled, Irish friend. Then I saw it. The only person who could possibly top Regis Philbin in a PEOPLE I WANT TO MEET AND BEFRIEND AND MORE Contest… that person… being…

ANDERSON COOPER.

ANDERSON AND KELLY 1

ANDERSON AND KELLY 5Ah Anderson, my old friend. My run-ins with the man have been many and great. From the time he stood over me on the subway, to the time he turned a corner and nearly slammed into me, to the time we stood next to each other on line at JFK security, he might be the on person in New York who could genuinely call me an “accidental stalker.” Now this, going to a live taping where he and I would once again share oxygen. Well, I had to come up with a plan to save face…

That plan being: Try to look as naturally “Oh You’re Here Too?” as possible. Do not make too much eye contact. Stare at your shoes a lot. Become best friends with Kelly while giving The Coop the cold shoulder. In other words: Do not give a care that he’s there. Yes, this double agent scheme of mine is definitely a sign of some sort of mental illness, but this should not be news at this point.

This plan was rendered nearly impossible, because just look at the guy. He is perfection.

I could barely contain myself in the opening credits, where you see me clapping with Seinfeldian unbridled enthusiasm… which I have now rendered into an animated GIF for the rest of eternity:

Michelle-Clappins-GIF

And if you think his laugh is infectious, try hearing it in person. It sounds like this.

ANDERSON COOPER BWBut I digress. We arrived at the studio at 7:30 am, and lined up with a gaggle of excited housewives to catch the live taping. Upon being ushered in, we were given a number, which God willing a lucky housewife at home would call out after answering the Trivia question. I got the number 7, coincidentally also my lucky number, which could only mean one thing: I was sure to win a $500 gift certificate to Omaha Steaks? Right? (Update: Wrong. The woman called #77 — so close, but so deliciously far away.)

Following a pep talk by the ubiquitous Gelman (who I also happened to accidentally kick at one point), the show started. And there they were! Anderson and Kelly, whose rapport is off the charts. Kelly is much like you imagined: A hair taller than Tinkerbell, with a beautiful face, powerful arms, and enough energy to power Regis’ pacemaker.

Also tons of fun was the token gay man sitting in our row, a flight attendant for an airline, who during every commercial break would shout out: “Tell Kelly to call Wendy in Vegas!!” in the most gee way possible. While definitely a helpful tip — we’re sure Wendy would love to hear from either And or Kel — this also is a great way to shut down a conversation. Next time someone engages you in a talk you’re not interested in having, shut ‘em down by saying “Why don’t you do me a favor and go call Wendy in Vegas.” Trust me, it works.

The guests did not disappoint. First up was Rom Com Superstar Meg Ryan

ANDERSON AND KELLY 6

…who had just triumphed over Kelly Ripa in the “Be The Smallest Person Alive” Contest. Seriously, she was just a hair bigger than Jonah in Sleepless in Seattle. Worse yet, I don’t remember a single thing she spoke about. And in such situations, we are really left with no choice but to move on to the next group of guests…

THE JACKSONS.

ANDERSON AND KELLY 4

Yes, there they were. The remaining Jackson Brothers. Marlon, Jermaine, Jackie and, the best, Tito. I was happy to see them, but not nearly as happy as Katina, who loves them truly and deeply. It is because of her and her bold “small wave” tactic that the ADORABLE TITO JACKSON waved Goodbye to both us. Yes. I can now die knowing that Tito Jackson was aware, however briefly, of my existence. The brothers all looked healthy and well, especially Jermaine, whose Bicentennial Man hair was in FULL FX.

ANDERSON AND KELLY 2

Note the random woman in the Tito Jackson hat blocking our shot. Normally this would have pissed me off, but given the circumstances, all I can offer in response is a “well played.”

At the end of the day, the taping was about as fun as any live taping: Enjoyable, but sort of long and, by the end, exhausting. (I was on 3 hours sleep — and will now never forgive myself for not fainting live on the air.) Anderson and Kelly have great, fake flirty chemistry, and if we didn’t think it was beneath him, would love for Anderson to host a morning talk show on the regular. Who cares about boring old evening news when he could just sip coffee and giggle for an hour. They could call it “Sigh on America.”

Perhaps the biggest surprise to come out of the taping was watching Kelly Ripa be great at her job. It all seems very natural at home, but she really earns her keep: At various points during the commercial breaks, she would walk over the audience to chit-chat with them about random things. She posed for photos. She flirted with the deliriously charming Anderson. She asked the tough questions. Kelly Ripa deserves nothing but respect.

And no, I didn’t win $500 in Omaha Steaks. But we’ll always have Anderson Cooper on Sesame Street on the letter “G” to quell our deepest sorrows:


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